Mage '93

Stormy's Journal, Entry #1

Cassette Titled "Walmart Phase One Begins"

[Tape begins]

[Sound of eating]

TYLER: These cookies fuck me up.

STORMY: I love them, and I hate everything. I don’t know how to feel about that …

[Sound of more eating]

TYLER: Why are we recording this shit again?

STORMY: So my rise to power is fully documented. After I take down the Illuminati, this is going to be played in museums for kids wearing Lord Vandal masks, because they love their great leader and will want to know all about her.

TYLER: That’s awesome. Wait, what about Tyler masks?


TYLER: Alright, cool.

STORMY: So, today, while I was out of my house at work, my house that totally doesn’t belong to that weird Guru Dave guy, he snuck in and fell through the trap. I can only assume the trap worked.

TYLER: That shit was tight.

STORMY: It was amazing. I wish we could’ve taped it.

TYLER: He cracked his head and shit.

STORMY: It went better than expected. Anyway, when Tyler and I got back from work—

TYLER: Ugh, the sound of that guy jerking off. I bet he’s gonna call back.

STORMY: Transfer the call to me.

TYLER: Anyway, when we was driving back, we had the windows rolled down and were blasting music, and then we saw there was this food truck and nice car and shit all parked up on the street. AND we smelled cookies.

STORMY: Yeah, we met a magical chef. He can talk to ghosts.

TYLER: He’s great. I would marry that man if I could.

STORMY: He’ll be useful in the fight against Walmart, Mario Lopez, and the Illuminati. Anyway, the cookies were good, but there were people in our house. That Guru Dave guy from those corny late night infomercials had fallen through the carpet trap. Some other guy was there too.

TYLER: Beautiful.

STORMY: Beautiful. But he was there because he’s, like, weirdly obsessed with my house or something. It’s weird, but it’s cute I guess. He’s got the whole picture wrong though.

TYLER: But he’s beautiful.

STORMY: Yeah. I believe we can convert him to our cause. His name is Icarus, which is the perfect name for someone to join the Avengers of E.V.I.L.

TYLER: What does that stand for again? Every … Villain … Is … Lemons?

STORMY: I think so. We couldn’t figure out a good word for the L.

TYLER: How about Love.

STORMY: That’s gay.

TYLER: You’re not wrong. Anyway, yeah, these people’s joining us tomorrow morning. I’m fucking ready.

STORMY: Yeah, I managed to convince him, Guru Dave, and Monsieur the Magical Chef to join us in our quest to topple the local Walmart and their kingpin, Samantha Dinsmore.

TYLER: Fuck that bitch.

STORMY: I just know if I can topple her, we can get to Mario Lopez, who’s the next piece of the puzzle.

TYLER: So what’s the plan? We recruited the Avengers of E.V.I.L.

STORMY: And we’re meeting roughly ten minutes before dawn at the Walmart. Goal is to get the payload—Samantha Dinsmore’s stuff. To do it, we’re gonna need to stage a distraction, then slip in, grab the payload, and get out before we get noticed.

TYLER: I’m antsy and shit.

[Sound of glass shattering]

STORMY: Tyler!

Tyler: Shit, sorry.


STORMY: It’s fine. I hated that mug anyway.

TYLER: You did steal it from our boss.

STORMY: Anyways, tomorrow I’m gonna finally get to use my Phase One mixtape. It has, like, six songs off of In Utero.

TYLER: Ohhhhhh shiiiiiit!

STORMY: Okay, this tape is getting long, and we need to finish this blunt and eat the rest of these cookies. Vandal out.

[Sound of eating]

[Tape ends]


Enjoy your +1xp Lord Vandal.

Stormy's Journal, Entry #1
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